Reading Deprivation Week… part 4

Going to sleep around 2 AM because my mind won’t shut up isn’t working for me.  I have 2 morning alarms set.  One for my thyroid pill and one for my Morning Pages.  This has been working pretty well for me.  But then came Deprivation week and it all went to hell.  I can’t sleep because my goto sleep aid is gone.  So I stay up till 2 until exhaustion takes over. (Yes I know I am the one doing this, it’s not being done to me.  Quit yelling at me!)  When I stay up till 2 the alarms are super unwelcome so I turn them off.  Then my natural alarm goes off and I’m still tired.  Not so much tired as off, because I’ve had plenty of sleep but my internal clock is all messed up.

This morning I couldn’t get out of bed.  I was tired, yes.  But this was something new.  I felt like I physically and emotionally couldn’t get out of bed.  I’ve had panic attacks but this wasn’t one.  But it was something.  My mind was racing.  All the projects, the to do lists.  I could feel that 1 box in the other room.  Sitting right in the way, where I put it so I would unpack it.  I could feel the recycling bin needing to go to the recycling center.  The Goodwill bin needing to go to Goodwill.  The apples needing to be sliced and put in the dehydrator.  I could feel it and my mind was giving voice to it all.  I was all alone in my little condo and yet it felt jam packed, like there wasn’t room for me.

Was this the deprivation?  I willed myself to keep breathing.  I wasn’t panicking about not having a job.  Oddly enough I haven’t had that panic attack, yet.  I mean I did plan this out.  I have the funds to not work.  But still, it would be pretty classic Nina to panic.   This was something else.  This was a very physical reaction to going off my passive aggressive, non productive, fear of failure, fear of success, avoiding with a capital A activities of choice.  SideNote: I really need to come up with some sort of acronym, anagram or code word for that.

I just wanted to curl up and lose myself in The Office.  I could hear the theme song starting.  It would be so easy.  No one would have to know.  I could create a playlist of a few episodes and just let them wash over me.  It could be our little secret.  Just a little bit.  I just needed, a fix.  With my left hand on my forehead and my right on the lower edge of my ribcage I slowly and quietly talked myself off the ledge.  I could do this.  I didn’t need to lose myself in The Office or get transported back in time in Mad Men or even flip channels.  Pretending I can watch 2 shows at the same time if I flip during the commercials.  I was learning alot about myself this week.  I’ve been learning a lot about myself since I started this journey and this is part of it.  AND that is the whole point of Project Nina.  I took a deep breath and got up.  Took my Rx and sat down to write my Morning Pages.  Then it was time to clean up.  Put away my tool box, replacement bits, drill and new goggles.  Make breakfast.  Bring recycling to the recycling center.  Put the Goodwill bin in the back of the Subie. (Yes of course I got a new Subie after I totaled the other, I’m a Subie Girl!)  Laundry, roast some asparagus, clean my shoes that got super muddy playing fetch with my brother’s dog.  And this is how I got going again.  One step at a time.  One tiny to do item after another.  As long as I’m going the cravings are held at bay.  I can even talk about the cravings and write about the craving but it’s in those quiet moments that they take over.

I needed to pick up my sister-in-law for her Time Out Comedy show at Curious Comedy Theater so I needed to get ready.  Showered, still time to spare? yep! A little indoor sunbathing because the sun was out and it was gorgeous.  My house was back in order or at least way closer than it had been.  I was clean and lying in the sun with the sliding glass door open.   Life was good.  I need to remember the shower and sunshine trick.  On a ledge or not, it works wonders.

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