Like most of you I’ve woken up to a lot of things…
I’ve woken up to the garbage truck. Car alarms, doorbells, phone calls, smoke alarms, fire drills, tsunami warnings, that stupid falling thing when you’re dreaming. Growing up I regularly woke up to woodpeckers on the metal part of the chimney or squirrels running races the length of the house. Since moving into my place I’ve woken up to roofers, on my roof. Pressure washers, on my roof. Large branches falling during storms, again, on my roof.
…but this was a first. This was new. A few weeks into Project Nina I woke up to a sound. At first I thought it was the ticking of the clock. It drives me a little closer to crazy every night when I’m trying to fall asleep. I listened. It wasn’t the clock, it was my own heart beating. I was hearing it in my left ear. It just kept beating, beating, beating.
It reminded me of the summer I swam everyday. I wore earplugs, a swimming cap, goggles and I could hear my heart beating every lap. I found it peaceful, meditative almost therapeutic. That was… over 15 years ago. I’m sure I’ve heard it during those 15 years, at some point. But that morning lying in bed I couldn’t remember a time. I still can’t.
Had this always been there? Had it been happening but I just couldn’t hear it over all the other, the other, noise? I know I can not see, not hear, not feel all sorts of things. I’ve done it really well in the past. But this? This was my own heart. The beating of my own heart. How had I missed it? Or had it not been there and this was a new thing? Not only that I was hearing but that it was audible again.
I don’t know and on some level I don’t care to. I like the fact that I heard it. I like that after getting myself out of the mall, out of the store and all the noise out of my head I heard it. I don’t like that I didn’t hear it for so long. And I’m still sure it made some appearances along the way whether I remember them today or not. But I am glad it’s back. It’s not there every morning. Nor is it there everyday. But the other day it was there while I was writing my morning pages. Like it was telling me I was on the right track.
Please know I’m not some lunatic. I know there are logical medical reasons why I was hearing my heart beat. But that morning and still now I prefer the more poetic.