I grew up with big beautiful thunder and lightning storms. I love them. I love to watch them, listen to them, walk in them, hell I love to dance in them. But not all storms come rolling over mountains, valleys or oceans.
This one I could feel rolling in, but it wasn’t one of the beautiful ones. It was an unknown. It could be dark, loud or deafeningly quiet and very scary. I knew I couldn’t stop it or get out of its way. Over the many years I’ve lived with depression I’ve learned that the best I can do is get to a relatively safe place and wait it out. Preferably away from people so they don’t get caught up in the storm. Sometimes I’m more successful than others.
This one came at night as I was trying to fall asleep. I could feel it coming. I could practically hear it rolling in. And I saw it as big dark grey clouds gathering over the ocean. Slowly rolling and rumbling, getting closer, darker and more enveloping.
Would it have passed by the time I got up in the morning? Or would I be stuck in it. In the morning would I remember that I had seen it coming and head for cover? Or would I forget seeing it and get caught completely unprepared in the middle of the storm? I thought about leaving myself a note. But what would I say? How would I warn myself of the risks of getting up? Would writing it make it worse? Could it have made it better? I wasn’t willing to take the risk. Best case scenario it would move in AND back out to sea as I slept. But if not, then I could only hope that I would remember it in the morning and stay in my safe place.
I haven’t felt one move in like this in years. But on some level I haven’t been this person in years so I suppose that makes sense. (I know I know, Technically I’ve never been this person, but that’s not my point.) Little did I know this would be one of the “benefits” of this journey. Seeing it coming is good. I remember when that started. It wasn’t everytime but it was a welcome change to the surprise attacks I had been living with for years. While it’s welcome it’s also exhausting. Because I don’t only have to deal with the depression itself but the lead up as well. This period of time can be stressful and depressing in and of itself. As I sit there feeling helpless to the whims of the storm. My storm.
This time I lucked out. I woke up and it was gone. Later in the day I remembered seeing it as I tried to fall asleep and was thankful it had chosen to go back out to see. One day I’m sure I’ll wake up in the storm and when I do I hope I’m wise enough to take a moment. Weigh my choices, getting up and starting my day vs staying in my safe place. There isn’t a lot out there that’s worth heading into that storm.