One day I’m sure I’ll wake up in the storm and when I do I hope I’m wise enough to take a moment. Weigh my choices, getting up and starting my day vs staying in my safe place. There isn’t a lot out there that’s worth heading into that storm.”
I have an addendum or a correction, call it what you will. I woke up a few days after writing my last post and had to be honest with myself. I HAVE woken up in all phases of the storm. When I wake up I’m not conscious of the storm. Yet when I’m lucky, something guides me to stay right where I am.
Some days I’ve had to go about my day. So I’ve put on a happy face and entered the world. All the while trying to “be” in my safe place. Other days I’ve curled up as tight as I could, shut my eyes and tried to make the world disappear. If only for a moment. And still other days I’ve been oblivious to the storm. Or perhaps it hadn’t yet made landfall. These, are the worst days. Because I’m caught unprepared. Surrounded by people. I’m caught in a massive downpour, thunder cracking, lightning lighting up the newly darkened sky and there’s a downed power line, dancing. Somehow no one sees or hears or feels any of it. If they did we could all run for shelter and wait out the storm together. But It’s like it’s not even happening. As real as it is to me, it’s all in my head. Which makes me feel more than a little crazy.
Over the decades I’ve made all kinds of exits. ~Leaving without a word. Worked pretty well, for a short time. But then there were the questions. Those are never easy to answer. ~Lashing out at unsuspecting undeserving individuals who simply had the misfortune of being there. Apologies should and sometimes are made. Honestly, it’s uncomfortable whether or not they take place. Because, as of yet, there’s no way to reverse time. There’s no way to un-lash out. And there’s no way to fully explain the why behind it all. (For anyone who has been the victim of one of these lash outs, from me or anyone living with depression. I apologize. Trust me when I say, more than likely, the attack had nothing to do with you.) ~Stumbling over a few insufficient words to excuse myself. It’s a balancing act between finding the words that will say enough but not result in a complete break down.
I’ll admit that the day after my last post was… well, I didn’t like where it put me. I could have run away, deleted it and curled up as tight as I could. But I knew it was someplace I needed to be. Something I needed to write about, whether I liked it or not. So having decided to add an addendum, I lived with and in the feeling.
This was happening simultaneously with the resurgence of my old friend fear. Fear of failure, fear of success, fear of trying which I dealt with with another old friend, passive aggressive activities. I’ll write more about this soon.