Yesterday was Thursday and for me that’s become posting day. For the first time I didn’t post. As I was falling asleep it occurred to me that it was Thursday and that that meant I should be posting. I didn’t jump out of bed and go to my computer. I didn’t grab my phone and start to write. I just made a mental note to write and post tomorrow. Good old tomorrow. My tomorrow is nearly gone and finally I sit down to write.
In this weeks chapter of The Artist’s Way the author wrote about calling things what they are. Not a new concept but timely, as all the chapters have been. Sometimes I need to hear something in a certain way or on a certain day or a certain number of times to get myself to really hear it. There’s hearing and then there’s Hearing and I suppose there is HEARING. I knew that I was living with a great deal of fear and why not? I quit my job to… Not exactly the “security” of the 40 hour work week with benefits and a 401k. But my fear manifests itself in ways that I wouldn’t naturally identify as fear. Honestly it looks a lot like laziness. It’s not yet getting my Etsy store launched, not writing for my writers group, not contacting people about dog and horse sitting and other nots.
I had to be honest with myself. It’s all fear. Fear of trying, fear of failure and fear of success. Fear can keep me in bed on a beautifully sunny day (and I love my Vitamin D therapy). It can stop me in my tracks when I think I see the devil. It can destroy me without even trying. But this fear was letting me function as a human being. Which is why it can go on unnoticed. Doing plenty for other people. And how could you fault me for not getting my store up if I was busy helping my family? I never actually made the argument out loud but I’m realizing I was making the argument on some level. I was up and going when I had to help out the family but on my days I was useless. I had ideas for pieces to write, tasks for the store and things to dry. Not to mention my to do lists that I seemed to have abandoned about 2 weeks ago.
I think I’m rounding the corner. I know that I’m in charge but sometimes it feels like I’m on a ride and I’m not sure who’s at the controls. I’ve given myself the goal of having my store up and running by the end of May. Rather, I’m launching my store by the end of May. On Thursday I had lunch with a friend (from my Pottery Barn days) I hadn’t seen in years. We discussed possible future projects in her gorgeous garden, with her happy little dog Charlie and her family of cats. Tonight I had dinner with 2 dear friends (from high school), their kids and their family of cats. We are ridiculously bad about seeing one another despite living 20 minutes apart. But this is the man who suggested I quit without anything lined up. I hadn’t seen them in months. Since before I started Project Nina. We were well overdue for dinner and catch up.
So I pick myself up like the toy that’s fallen over after running into a wall and take my little manageable steps. Because I can’t take big leaps and if I try I end up paralyzed with fear by the enormity of it all.