Sometimes you are just what I need. To get motivated, stay motivated and get things done. Sometimes I create you so I can check things off. But the past few days you have simply served to torment me. You’ve been a multi point reminder of what I’m not doing. Things I want to do, need to do and should do but for some reason I’m not. When I was sick and horse sitting I had a good excuse. As I did when I had a headache. This weird new kind of headache that was located 2 1/2 inches behind my right ear and was exaggerated with movement.
But now with nothing “holding me back” what have I gotten done? What have I crossed off of you? Cleaning the bathroom. And… no that’s it. What is holding me back? What is keeping me from the joy of crossing things off?
Sadly or thankfully I don’t believe you are going to answer me. And if you did I suppose I would have bigger issues than trying to figure out what’s stopping me from being productive.
Normally I would say depression. It’s been my constant companion for over 25 years. If by “companion” I mean the back seat driver who grabs the wheel and pulls a u-turn on the highway or the neighbor who slowly pumps poisonous fumes into your apartment or the piece of building facade that falls at just the right moment to hit you in the head. And yet, it’s the longest relationship I’ve had. It’s comforting and safe and familiar. And sometimes it feels like that great pair of jeans that you just love. But this doesn’t feel like depression. This is something else.